Tick Tock..Tick Tock... it seems as if time is flying. I have so much to process. My brain is going a mile a minute. Iam scheduled for CCF! Iam scheduled for CCF! I have a boat load of tests and appointments the day before surgery. I have talked to staff at TCI..including the NS. Iam getting cold feet. My husband doesnt think I should have the surgery yet. He wants me to wait until it gets worse. I dont know what to do........ The nl at TCI told me that normally this is an elective surgery, but in my case it is affecting automatic functions, so I need to have it.
Iam so confused..................Iam stressed out to the max........Iam feeling guilty for being sick...for putting my family in debt.......for being a burden.......for not being able to do all the fun things we used to do..........for not being able to clean the house and cook 6 days a week......for not being able to work.........for having to cancel social gatherings at the last minute because I dont feel good........
Its like..its out of my control. I just feel guilty. I know I shouldnt..but I do. My husband said it is completely up to me..but how can I feel at ease with myself knowing that Iam putting my family through all of this and they dont want me to have it done! Can anyone say "Resentment".... its a nasty word..that doesnt have to show its face to reek havoc in a family. He's worried I will be worse after surgery..I may be worse before surgery and they might not be able to correct it! I understand his point..but he doesnt walk in my shoes. Forget the physical aspect of all this for a minute...emotionally...Iam done...burnt...fried...caput. I think emotions went awol a long time ago...
Iam going to pray for peace...guidance..courage..renewed grace and mercy.
I need God to show me the way...Iam blind to the path I should be on...
May the Lord light my way..with words of wisdom and a new day.....
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